shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
