I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
