cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
