My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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