I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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