R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
