i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
