i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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