I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
