So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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