Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
