i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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