2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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