Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
