I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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