she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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