We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
