the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
