I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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