I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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