Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
