Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
