I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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