We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
