i need an iv and a liver transplant
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
the raccoons are back...
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