when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I had to cum in my sink.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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