I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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