they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
