I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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