i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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