i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
