My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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