she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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