I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
