she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
