Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
