cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
