I'm going to jail i love you
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
