90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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