her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she told me i tasted like america
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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