he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
