ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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