If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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