I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
