You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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