I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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