Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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