1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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