I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
