I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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