I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
