it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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