Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
