My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
