It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
