I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
