Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
