it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
