I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
