"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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